I am a failed woodsperson

I do not chop wood; I do not garden, successfully; I cannot identify animals or ticks; I do not know when it is going to rain, snow, or be above freezing; I am surprised every month by the propane bill; I do not hunt or fish; I drive a hybrid; I carry doubt in the form of daily existential crises; I cannot make a fire while others are watching; I take shallow breaths. I sigh.